first things first.  i haven't been on xanga in so long, it took me about 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get this screen.  seriously, its like the main purpose of xanga and its this little discreet button in the corner.. why?

second, i've been reading my past blogs and..BUT PLEASE! DON'T READ THEM its mortifying some of the things i say.  and why, you ask, don't i just delete them? i dunno. i had them up there for a reason i guess and its fun to read them, like reading old diaries and i'm always like "OMG i was such a child back then, lemme write in here now to show how much i've grown" and that's pretty much a repeating cycle. someday i'm gonna read this too and be like god that girl doesn't know her head from her ass lol..

brings me to my next point.  its weird.. and funny reading about me imagining what life would be like after high school and here i am now and it's not even remotely how i pictured.  like i thought i would have a purpose and i still have no fucking clue what i want to do with my life.  i'm actually in a major now that i'm fairly certain i won't be any good at but my dad says he can get me a job doing it, soo... thats really my only driving point.

sidenote: i'm feeling oddly better right now putting my thoughts on this blog.  i guess this is what therapy feels like.

other thing.  the thing that really amazes me is how much of my business AND other peoples business i just put out there for basically the whole school to read.  that seems odd and i can't see myself doing that. im usually a pretty private person.

LOL i wish i could put a song on here.  it would be 100 years by whoever that guy is i always sing it on karaoke.  it would be the background theme song to this blog.  the theme for this blog is "Life flashes by."  It really does.

Yall can cry if you want.  If my words are touching, its okay, let it out.  lol.. i wanted to say if my words touch you but you might read it different than how i'm saying it.  the "you" i'm refering to in this audience i don't know who you are.  but don't be stranger! even if you are a stranger, don't be! i'd like to meet people who still use their xanga, i know you're out there otherwise this site would be shut down.  i'm bringin it back guys, WHO'S WITH ME?!?  (***crickets***then dead silence***) lol fyi thats how i pictured the joke in my head and its lame, yes, but it's kind of funny in my head. anyway, guys, thanks for listening

Omg.. i would soooo go for this line.  haha.  yeah i'm bored. 

If I could pick a superpower, it would probably be being able to tell when someone is lying to me.  I hate being put in a position where i hear something but the person is denying it.. and i'm a pushover if i believe them but i assume too much if i don't. HATE it.

There are some people at this school that i love very much even though i don't know them that well.  I wish i did though because from what i know, they are very cool people.  i'm not gonna put names cuz i don't want to embarass anyone or hurt people's feelings if they aren't on my list.  But right now, there's 2 girls and a guy that i love very much.  so it could be ANYone.!  haha

Its weird thinking about how i have the same friends now that i had when i first got here.  I mean, if i hadn't got lost on the first day on the way to English class, i might never have hung out with them.  I could be a total LoSeR with a bad attitude that everyone hates right now!  or everyone would be in love with me.  who knows? i wish i did.

I wonder where i'll be in 10 years.  I don't know if i'll still talk to any of the people i talk to now.  i hope i have a HOTT boyfriend !  Rebekka and Steph were talking about getting an apartment together today.  i was jealous.  I would love to party with them when I get back from England but they might turn out to be bitches. or maybe i will.  I hope not.  I hope i only change for the better.  That will be my new years resolution for the next 5 years.  not to become shallow. 

okay well not to become any MORe shallow than i am now.  lol...

Well thats it for my blabbering today.  oh and i learned some things today/this week
:Pregnant women shouldn't change cat litter because there's a mold in cat feces that could cause brain damage for developing infants.
:The rumor that lemmings commit group suicide is TOTally made up by the media.  there was an "documentary" in which they filmed lemmings jumping off a cliff but it was all induced by the cameramen.
:blast! i don't remember any of the really good ones.. maybe later.

I feel like my insides are being incinerated, my lower back is collapsing on itself, and I have a strange throbbing in my right hand... but yes, my day has been PEACHY fucking keen.

sometimes... I feel like I've been alive for 100 years and I look at other people and I feel sad that they're so ignorant.

I'm trying to look at life from a new perspective and I have a couple of theories
:1st is a common saying that highschool will be the best 4 years of your life.  I think that with every stage of your life, there will be both positives and negatives.  Although going to school and not having any real responsibilities for 4 years was pretty sweet, i'm ready for the next part of my life and i have very little regrets. (OH yEah)
:I'm thinking about majoring in philosophy.  Undoubtedly I will definitely take a course at least and see if i get anything out of it.  Who knows, maybe someday I'll write a book.

I've noticed over time that strangely, I'm mostly attracted to all the guys that i think have no interest in me whatsoever.  so annoying.

More than anything, i want to see the world from an unbiased opinion.  I want to have everyone's experiences and know everything so i would know the answers to all the difficult questions.  I want to be 95 years old for a day so i know what its like to be wise and maybe i won't make so many mistakes.  I want to know my faults so i can change them, fix them.  I can't wait to be old.

xanga entry = my therapy session. you have no idea how much better i feel.

ahh hmm...

well please excuse my previous entry. my "penis-hating", as nick calls it.  but really, i don't hate penises, just the people who have them.  lol JOKE!  no but really, the next morning i woke up and read all i wrote and was like WHOoaa.. i didn't mean alla that!  haha so yes, its all gone.
 
This break is going to be unforgettable.  And i say unforgettable because it is my LAST winter break in high school and i'm spending it at home, watching Charmed and Oprah and (as much as i hate it) Dr. Phil... now that is something i'm going to remember years from now.  I'm so pathetic and i really need new friends (lol), i mean friends who aren't always grounded or stuck to their boyfriends or working 24/7.  I'm hoping this loner phase is just that--a phase. 

I miss the old days, when i actually had a "chill" group.  Joan always kept me entertained with her blonde comments lol.  gosh, from here on out, i have NOTHING to look forward to.  I can already tell the rest of this year is going to be shit.  Then to college with my antisocial self, and i'll have to meet new ppl.  I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but when i meet new people i act... awkward lol so people often find me strange.  but i'm not, i swear.  really.  haha well at least if i do go to England, I'll find a guy thats cute with a British accent and happens to be rich (lol) and make him worship the ground i walk on.  don't think i can do it?

--me neither.

come on guys, did u think i was THAT vain?  your only half right.  HAHAHA gosh i crack myself up.  anyway, i'm done now.

btw-- i hope everyone has a splendid new year, i actually have a plan to *gasp* hang out with people tomorrow  haha now watch everyone cancel.  Just my luck...